Dumb Ways to Die (in EVE Online): Part II

In Part I of this series, I explained the meaning of the first ten "Dumb Ways to Die" listed in the parody song released by Rixx Javix and Sindel Pellion. If you're not familiar with the song, check it out on Soundcloud here, or on YouTube here.

In this post, I will explain the meaning of the remaining ten insta-death inducing goofs mentioned in the lyrics, including why doing these things will kill you, and how dying in these ways can be avoided easily. If you ever do any of these things, you should remember this song and feel bad, because you are dumb.

Turn your covops cloak off in wormhole space

  • Why you'll die: Wormhole space is dangerous. It is null security space, so anyone can kill anyone with no worries about CONCORD or any implications to their security status. Further, no one is listed in Local chat, so you have no easy way of knowing who is in system with you. As a result, wormhole dwellers quickly learn to use their directional scanner constantly to check for any probes or potentially hostile ships. The best way to remain safe in a wormhole is to be invisible, which means mounting and using a covert operations cloak. With the cloak engaged, no one can see you or track you down. The moment you turn it off, you become scannable, and you can then be found and killed.
  • Why it's dumb: There's no reason to turn off a cloak in wormhole space, unless you need to launch probes or open fire on a target. Becoming visible to ultra-paranoid hostiles in wormholes is akin to advertising a strong desire to die quickly - something the other residents are generally happy to oblige.

Use Rahadalon as a ratting place

  • Why you'll die:  Rahadalon is a low-sec system on the edge of the Devoid region. Many pilots, including several large player alliances like TEST, RvB and Brave Newbies, often gather in this system looking for player-vs.-player (PvP) fights. Hunting non-player character (NPC) pirates ("ratting") in the system's four asteroid belts is especially hazardous because of the overabundance of eager pilots looking for kills. Further, because there are so few belts, it's easy to use directional scan to quickly see if there are any potential targets there. (Large numbers of PvP hungry pilots) + (Ease of finding targets) = Rapid death for the unwitting.
  • Why it's dumb: Since the release of the "tags for security" option in the Odyssey update, ratting in low-sec has become more popular. But there are plenty of other low-sec systems that are much less populated and better choices than Rahadalon.

Go AFK and forget

  • Why you'll die: Stepping away from your computer while logged in on your EVE Online character, also known as "going away from keyboard" or "AFK", is a common practice by many players, especially if they are doing boring and repetitive activities, like mining or hauling. But gankers looking for easy and lucrative kills watch for signs of target inattentiveness. Flying a fat freighter full of expensive goodies on autopilot, for example, and going AFK while doing so, may result in your ship sitting motionless in space in the destination system, awaiting further orders. This is tantamount to hanging a big pinata in front of a bunch of candy-obsessed children, and then leaving the room. The result is predictable.
  • Why it's dumb: Flying in space while AFK is a bad practice anywhere in New Eden. Flying in space while AFK, and then forgetting about it, is infinitely more dumb, especially if what you are flying has any significant value.

Post pictures of your legs on the Internet

Posting pictures of your legs is dangerous

Posting pictures of your legs is dangerous

  • Why you'll die:  This is a reference to an "EVE true story" submitted by the song's vocalist, Sindel Pellion. In short, Sin shared pictures of her Real Life legs with EVE Online players in the #tweetfleet group on Twitter. She soon attracted an admirer, who apparently decided to collect an in-game corpse of Sin's character - for the legs. This resulted in an ambush, and Sin lost her ship, her pod, and her corpse.
  • Why it's dumb:  In Sin's own words, "Listen to me, kids, and don't repeat my mistakes. If you ever decide to post pictures of your legs on the Internet, be prepared to lose your Vagabond. And your dignity."

Leave your blues on your overview - if I shoot him, what will CONCORD do?

  • Why you'll die: If you shoot another ship in high security space, and you have no kill rights on the pilot of that ship, then the CONCORD police force will attack and destroy you - especially if you have good standing (showing up as "blue" on your overview) with that pilot. Setting your overview so that friendly pilots are listed increases the chance that you may accidentally select them as a target and shoot them. Result? CONCORDokened.
  • Why it's dumb: You can configure your overview to not show blue pilots, so you don't target them or shoot them.

Fit small hybrid guns on a shield-tanked Legion

  • Why you'll die:  The Legion is an excellent strategic cruiser, delivering outstanding damage at well over 20km when fit with heavy pulse lasers with Scorch ammo. In fact, the specialized Liquid Crystal Magnifiers subsystem gives the Legion bonuses for energy weapon capacitor use, range and damage. Since there are no similar kind of bonuses possible for hybrid guns (especially small ones) on a Legion, fitting them on this ship would take its DPS to practically nothing, leaving your expensive Tech III strategic cruiser relatively defenseless.
  • Why it's dumb: Always fit your ship to take advantage or your special bonuses - or have a really, really, really good reason not to do so.

Be too confident you can take a region

  • Why you'll die: Many a null sec alliance has decided that they have the strength to conquer a neighboring region, and take it away from another alliance. Sometimes it goes according to plan - often it doesn't. Regardless, null sec war is always expensive and bloody, especially for the loser.
  • Why it's dumb: The difference between victory and defeat is an accurate understanding of relative strengths and weaknesses. Excessive confidence in the face of ignorance is a reliable recipe for disaster.

Fly to the edge of a tourney arena

  • Why you'll die:  The EVE Online Alliance Tournament is an annual spectator sport where teams of pilots compete in small gang PvP engagements, for glory and recognition of their combat prowess. Pilots are dropped into a space arena and given limited time to kill each other off. Points are awarded by types and numbers of ships destroyed. In this year's tournament, the arena is a 125 km radius around a central beacon. According to the official rules: "If a player warps out/leaves the arena, his/her ship will be destroyed."
  • Why it's dumb: The edge of the tourney arena is clearly marked. The only reasons anyone would go outside the boundaries are: denying the enemy the satisfaction of a direct kill, accidentally using a micro jump drive too close to the edge, or just freaking out and losing track of where you are - all pretty dumb reasons for displaying PvP fail in front of the entire EVE Online community.

Stay on a gate at zero when two fleets are crossing

  • Why you'll die:  Imagine that you are in null sec space, next to a gate. Suddenly, the gate flashes - there's an incoming fleet jumping through from the other side. At the same time, another fleet in your system lands on the gate. And the two fleets are hostile to each other. Suddenly, chaos ensues - and you are in the middle of it - just one more target in the midst of a lot of pilots frantically locking everything and pressing F1 as fast as they can. This is not a good place to be.
  • Why it's dumb: Having good intel and situational awareness are the keys to survival in 0.0 - and not putting yourself in a position where you can get caught.

Fly around with your PLEX in your cargo

  • Why you'll die:  Pilot License Extensions (a.k.a, PLEX) are items that can be bought and sold in the in-game markets. They can be transported in a ship's cargo hold, like any other item. They can be spent to provide 30 days of game subscription time for a player account, as well as other useful things, like the new Dual Character Training option. PLEX are therefore very valuable. In fact, they are so highly prized that if someone scans your ship and discovers that you are carrying them, you instantly become a prime target.
  • Why it's dumb: There's really little reason to transport PLEX from location to location. PLEX appear in the station in which you redeem them, so simply traveling to the station you want your PLEX in, before you redeem them, is the safest option. Only the bravest of speculators might transport PLEX from market to market, but at extreme risk.

These are all of the ways to die described in Sin's and Rixx's parody. Of course, there are many more equally dumb ways to die in EVE Online. Feel free to list some of your favorites in the comments.

Fly safe! o7


Dumb Ways to Die (in EVE Online): Part I

Rixx Javix and Sindel Pellion have released an extremely funny parody of the surprisingly popular Australian Metro’s safety music video, "Dumb Ways to Die", giving it a twist from these EVE Online players' points of view. You can watch and hear their handiwork via Soundcloud here, or on YouTube here. Go ahead, give it a listen and prepare to smile.

Yesterday, I shared one of these links on the EVE University chat channel, and one of our new members timidly asked a question: "I just listened to that song you linked. I'm sorry, but I'm brand new to EVE, so I don't get it. Why are these dumb ways to die?" 

A good question! So, for those who may be uninitiated to the subtle aspects of EVE Online's infinite potential for inflicting sudden death on your character, here is an explanation of the first ten references in the song.

Make fun of The Mittani's hair

The Mittani : good hair, dog lover, EVE alliance leader and megablogger

The Mittani: good hair, dog lover, EVE alliance leader and megablogger

  • Why you'll die The Mittani is the infamous leader of the large, null-sec based Goonswarm Federation alliance, a principal member of the CFC which has most recently been warring with TEST Alliance. "Mittens", as he is affectionately called by his many followers, is also the publisher of the highly successful TheMittani.com news site (recommended reading, by the way). With over 9,200 alliance members at his command, and a substantial readership, Mittens possesses a lot of power and influence in the EVE Online community. And he clearly practices good grooming habits with his carefully combed coiffure - to suggest otherwise is clearly an insult of the highest order.
  • Why it's dumb:  You don't tug on Superman's cape. You don't spit into the wind. You don't pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger, and you don't mess around with Mittens.

Open fire in Luminaire

  • Why you'll die: Luminaire is a system that contains the original homeworlds for both the freedom-loving Gallente Federation and the corporate-focused Caldari. For years, a Caldari Navy Leviathan-class Titan hovered over Caldari Prime in this system, until a recent, massive live event resulted in the Titan crashing into the planet. Even though Luminaire is officially a high-security system under the police protection of CONCORD, during this live event, players could fire on each other without fear of reprisal. Since then, however, firing indiscriminately upon a target in Luminaire once again brings the all-powerful CONCORD hammer down upon the offender, resulting in almost immediate ship destruction.
  • Why it's dumb: Shooting anyone in any high-sec system, if you don't have the proper kill rights, or if your target is not flagged as a suspect or criminal under the Crimewatch system, results in becoming "CONCORDokened" - even in politically contentious Luminaire.

Warp at zero to a gate

  • Why you'll die:  In null security space, pilots will often set up warp disruption fields (a.k.a., "bubbles") to capture unsuspecting travelers who are traveling directly to a gate to jump into the next system. If set up on the route that the target is flying, that ship will get caught in the bubble, where the waiting group will tear the victim apart like a school of starving piranha fish.
  • Why it's dumb:  Smart pilots do not travel directly from gate to gate in null sec. Instead, they take indirect routes (using celestials or pre-set bookmarks), to avoid warp bubble traps, or they use cloaked scouts to reconnoiter the path ahead, or both.
Warp bubble

Warp bubble

Use your Fleet Typhoon as pirate bait

  • Why you'll die: The Typhoon Fleet Issue is a very nice Minmatar battleship. It sells for about 350 million ISK - not the most expensive faction ship, to be sure, but still a hefty sum. A common practice for luring pirates in low-sec into an engagement is to dangle an attractive target in system, in hopes that they will leap upon the juicy morsel, so that the remainder of your fleet can warp to the rescue and a fight in your favor. In order for this tactic to work, the target has to be tanked enough to withstand an initial assault. The Typhoon Fleet Issue can be well tanked with some expensive modules, but it's always possible for your precious faction battleship - an especially attractive target for a swarm of hungry pirates -  to go boom before your rescue fleet can warp in and save you.
  • Why it's dumb: This one is somewhat debatable, as the Fleet 'Phoon is a fine ship, and would certainly attract the attention of just about every pirate in a system. It all depends on whether your fleetmates can bring enough support to you in time to protect your investment, which is always a gamble. And expensive gambles are usually just dumb.

Bring AWOXers into corp

  • Why you'll die: AWOX was an infamous EVE player-vs.-player (PvP) combat pilot who enjoyed gaining entry into a player corp, going out in a fleet op with them, and then suddenly start killing his fleetmates. This turncoat tactic instantly became known as "AWOXing". Letting awoxers into your corp will certainly result in your ships going boom when you least expect it.
  • Why it's dumb: Unfortunately, not every corp does a background check on applicants. A simple search of killboard records, and asking a few people in the applicant's prior corps, can unveil many awoxing threats before they have a chance to do any damage. Not doing so is just lazy - and dumb.

Don't align before your FC warps

  • Why you'll die:  When your fleet commander (FC) orders you to align to your fleet's next destination, and you fail to do so before the FC engages the "warp fleet" command, then your fleet will warp off and you'll be stranded there alone, still trying to align. And in that moment, you are completely vulnerable and a very tempting target for an enemy fleet. You're like a deer who could not keep up with the herd, and then discovered by a pack of hungry wolves - it doesn't end well for the deer.
  • Why it's dumb:  Pay attention to your FC commands, and do them promptly - or ignore them and be left behind, at your peril. It's really that simple.

Teach yourself how to fly

  • Why you'll die:  EVE is hard to learn and master. The subtleties of transversal velocity, angular velocity, radial velocity, signature radius, spiraling, MWD tricks, bumping, station games, grid fu, Crimewatch, and all the myriad factors that experienced pilots know put all "self taught" pilots at a distinct disadvantage. This is why institutions like EVE University exist - to help new pilots learn how to survive and succeed in New Eden. Those that rely on teaching themselves are going to learn some bitter lessons at the hands of veteran aggressors seeking only to pad their killboards.
  • Why it's dumb:  You don't have to learn how to fly by yourself. Join a training corp like E-UNI. Or find some mentors in your own corp to take you under their wing.
The Battle of Asakai

The Battle of Asakai

Jump your Leviathan into Asakai

  • Why you'll die: The Battle of Asakai was one of the largest and most furious conflicts ever in the history of EVE Online. And it all started when Dabigredboat (a.k.a., DBRB) misclicked and accidentally jumped his Leviathan Titan into Asakai, a low-sec system where the Titan's fearsome doomsday device cannot be used. This one little mistake quickly escalated into a massive brawl of nearly 3,000 combatants and some extremely expensive kills.
  • Why it's dumb: It all started with clicking the wrong command - in a massively expensive ship. The result speaks for itself.

Undock with a red fleet outside

  • Why you'll die: No matter where you are in New Eden, if you undock from a station, you can die. This is especially true if your enemy has a fleet of high alpha strike attack battlecruisers at optimal range outside of your station - they have enough firepower to blat your ship into oblivion in a single well-coordinated volley.
  • Why it's dumb: Always check Local chat before you undock. If you see a lot of characters with red boxes, get more intelligence about where your enemy is located before you click the undock button. Never undock blindly.

Disconnect when 10% TiDi'd

  • Why you'll die: The Battle of Asakai is a good example of a situation that experienced time dilation, generally called "TiDi" for short. When a large number of players enter a system, CCP slows time down in that system, so that the large number of player commands can be executed in proper sequence, just more slowly. In extreme cases, TiDi can reach 10% of normal - in other words, the system operates at 10% of normal speed, like "bullet time" in The Matrix movie. One problem with this level of TiDi is that disconnects become effectively impossible, making ships that are high value targets more vulnerable.
  • Why it's dumb: If you are in a battle so large that you are operating at 10% TiDi, disconnecting to try and save your super-blinged-out ship from destruction isn't going to work. If you do, you'll likely see only your wreck when you log back in.

Next post: explaining the song's remaining 10 dumb ways to die.

Fly safe! o7