My Evil Half-Brother Speaks #1: For the Lulz

My main EVE Online character, Neville Smit, has a dark secret - he has a half-brother, Angra Mainyu Smit. While Neville is generally kindly and easy-going, Angra is not. Nev likes to hang out mostly in hi-sec - Angra prefers the seamy underside of null space. Nev likes to make and build things - Angra delights in killing innocents and doing unspeakably bad things to their corpses, which he collects in a walk-in freezer in the back of his quarters.

Nev and Angra have a strange relationship. Nev respects Angra, but he doesn't trust him. Angra likes to write Nev letters, for some unknown reason - long, rambling letters, which each read like a mad manifesto composed during a fever dream. They don't talk much - just at family reunions and holidays - which Angra always attends, oddly. The following is a record of their latest chat....


Nev: So, how's it going, half-bro?

Angra: You know I hate being called that, Mister Carebear. It goes alright. I killed another brand new noob yesterday.

Angra Mainyu Smit - Nev's evil half-brother

Angra Mainyu Smit - Nev's evil half-brother

Dude - you can't keep killing new pilots like that - I keep telling you.

Whatever. Besides, I was bored.

Where were you this time?

Duripant, outside the noob school. You always know when the fresh ones undock - always in a capsule. Like going outside naked. Heheheh - yeah, naked, and so vulnerable...

You're kind of creeping me out, half-bro.

The problem with killing a brand new noob is that they pop so easy, and they just regen back in station. They don't even know how to say anything in Local yet, so there aren't any delicious tears. They just get confused. I should convo them before I pop them - I gotta remember to do that next time. That'd be amusing.

*sigh* You got CONCORDed again, of course.

Yeah, but that's just part of the game. Nuttin' they can do until it's all over. Lost a Catalyst - big deal. I got a hangar full of 'em.

Man, you must go through a lot of clones.

Yeah, but they're cutting the price on those - didn't you hear? 30 percent off, starting next month. And low-sec rats are dropping some kind of new tags - you can trade 'em in to CONCORD and all is forgiven - they don't care who turns 'em in, I guess. I'll be ganking noobs and carebears all over the place. Oh, yeah, it's going to be awesome.

You seem really excited about this. Is this why you left null sec? I hear everyone is blue to everyone else out there now.

That's just a stupid myth! Some crazy idea made up by ignorant carebears like you - just to make you feel better about staying in high sec. You pretend it's all peaceful and boring in null, just like living in your nice, safe CONCORD-protected shell - you think it's all the same. What a laugh - only real pilots fly in 0.0, man.

I see - so, why not go back to null and do some real fighting, instead of killing noobs and carebears in high sec?

What? Where's the fun in that? Fighting real pilots with skill and experience? I might really lose some ships then.

But you *always* lose ships when you gank in high sec. CONCORD, remember?

Well, yeah, but they're always cheap, crappy ships, so who cares? And the lulz - oh, man - the lulz! Besides, I'm doing those noobs a favor.

How do you figure that?

Look, space is a dangerous place, right? It's the nature of the universe. Trying to pretend that anywhere in space is safe is going against nature. So, I need to remind those people of their rightful place.

By ganking them.

Exactly. Or better still, by making them pay for their ignorance.

You mean extorting ISK out of them - protection money.

Only the high sec miners. They're all ignorant sheep. Someone needs to shepherd them - and slaughter a few from time to time. Heheheh...

You know I'm a miner in high sec, right?

Don't remind me. How do you live with yourself?

Maybe I just have different measures of success than you.

Now who's talking crazy? You just don't know what flying in New Eden is really supposed to be like.

OK, enlighten me - what's it supposed to be like?

Fine - imagine there isn't any ice or minerals in high sec - nothing to mine. It's in all in the periphery, in null, where it belongs. Where the real pilots fly. The carebears don't deserve it. The money is way too easy in high sec.

Even better, imagine this: the entire cluster, with no empire - no high sec at all. 0.0 everywhere - and no CONCORD. No rules. Nothing but fights everywhere. And nothing to stop me from killing every carebear I find.

That's paradise, man. The ironic thing is, that's the way it really is - people just don't know it yet.

What do you mean?

High sec is a totally artificial thing. The goal of the universe is to let action emerge like it's supposed to emerge - naturally, from our basic instincts. And that's not gathering and building things - it's subjugating the weak and ignorant. And if carebears don't see things the way they are supposed to see them, then I have to pop them. It's my sacred obligation.

I see - so the only pilots worthy of being a capsuleer are those that see the universe your way. I'll bet you get a few arguments on that point.

My rule is that anyone who disagrees with me must shoulder the burden of proof alone, regardless of who speaks first. So, I have won every argument I've ever had.

Interesting perspective - you should go into politics. You'd go far, I'll bet.

Don't troll me. You know, I did think about running for office. I would have been guaranteed a win, of course, because I'm so popular. But then I'd have to compromise and get along with other people, which just sucks. I'd rather just gank people for the lulz, and tell the noobs it's for a greater cause. Saving highsec isn't easy. There will be times when it will take extraordinary courage and resolve.

And you have lots of both, of course.

Heh - you're pretty funny, Mister Carebear. I think we both know the real answer to that.

Yes, we do, half-bro - I still love you anyway.

Whatever.

Fly safe. o7